Embracing Family
From left to right: me (Wendy), my sister (Lori), brother (Gary), wife (Carey) & nephew (Jake)
Family can be wonderful, generous and kind, and they can also be complicated and frustrating at times.
They are the only group of people that have known you your entire life and if you are lucky, will always be there for you no matter what.
Because our family members have always known us, they sometimes make assumptions about our words or behaviors based on the past, rather than being able to hear or see what is happening in the present moment.
My sister and I recently experienced this while spending some time together on vacation. She had very generously invited us up to her timeshare in Vermont and even gave up the master bedroom for our comfort.
At some point in our interactions, we got into a verbal conflict that we were unable to resolve and instead chose to “take a break” by not speaking for a little while, which seemed to work for the most part.
From her perspective (I believe, based on her words) I was telling her what to do and correcting her.
From my perspective, I was agreeing with her and asking her clarifying questions. I felt like her statements were being made based on her assumptions related to my past actions and behaviors, which I believed were not occuring in the present moment.
In these instances, there is no right or wrong. There are only two strongly held beliefs by two people.
Later that day, when I felt like I was agreeing with her about something else, she once again accused me of doing the same thing. Rather than argue with her, I simply apologized for making her feel that way and told her I would continue to work on being more clear.
When we can let go of our egos (e.g., being right) it’s much easier to simply accept that we’re all doing the best we can and we’re all imperfect.
My sister is a sweet, kind-hearted person and I would rather work on learning to communicate with her in a way that she can hear me, than argue with her about my belief that she was misinterpreting what I said.
Meditation is one of the ways that all of this becomes possible. It allows us to be more present in our interactions with other people and work on letting go of our strongly held beliefs about ourselves.
We are all capable of change if we’re willing to put in the time and effort. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it is time well spent.
Action Steps:
Consider the ways that your family has been helpful to you at any point in the past.
In general, do you find yourself focusing on or talking about your family members’ positive or negative qualities?
Are there any ways that you could let go of “being right” with your family?
Notice how your interactions change with them when you’re able to notice their good qualities and there is no “right or wrong”.
